Soap Opera Rules

Since we're officially into November Sweeps, I offer you my Soap Opera Writers' Rules: Soap Opera Writers Rules #1: If characters are in a car, there will be a crash. #2: A child goes to summer camp, and comes home enrolled in High School. #3: College and med/law school conclude in 1 year. #4: Weddings are always interrupted. #5. Births occur only in Sweeps months, no matter how long the pregnancy. #6. Every pregnancy requires at least one emergency hospitalization. #7. Prolonged contract negotiations may lead to coma, or going over a cliff or falling into a river or other situation presuming death but without recovering a body. #8. Sex usually occurs on a couch or desk. #9: When you persist in saying your secret out loud in public, someone will overhear you. #10: A paternity test will always be altered at least once. #11: More than 75% of one-night-stands result in pregnancy. #12: Being blind, deaf or paralyzed is never permanent. #13: There's never cell phone reception/power when needed. #14: Every child born with questionable paternity will develop a childhood disease requiring some transplant/transfusion to reveal the true father. #15: A woman may have a child of 30, whom she birthed after the age of 20, and still contemplate becoming pregnant. #16: There are only slightly more full-siblings than half-siblings, but even the full-sibs were born during different marriages. #17: Since a character is SORASed as a child, the adult must be "youthened" for the next dozen years or so, until the true age catches up (assuming the Soap lasts that long). #18: No matter what the distance between venues, you can get there during a commercial break... #19: ...however single events such as weddings and holidays last at least three days. #20: Very little money is budgeted for men's shirts. Feel free to add to the list!